Ask HN: How do you have effective 1:1s with your manager?

Hacker News Discussion ↗

Purpose of 1:1s

  • Strong disagreement on what 1:1s are for:
    • Many say they should be about strategy, career growth, feedback, and removing blockers — not status updates.
    • Some see them primarily as a tool to understand the business, priorities, and where to add more value.
    • Others argue they’re mainly for raises and understanding why you’re not getting one.
  • Several managers emphasize: “the 1:1 is for you,” but others point out it’s also for the manager (rapport, information, evaluation).

Structure, Cadence, and Formality

  • Opinions on the GitLab-style highly structured template are split:
    • Some find it inspiring, clear, and effective.
    • Others see it as over-engineered, artificial, and unhealthy (e.g., “keep the doc open all week,” singalongs).
  • Frequency is contentious:
    • Some like weekly; others prefer biweekly or monthly, especially for senior/stable roles.
    • Several people explicitly say weekly feels “way too frequent.”
  • Many recommend a shared running document of topics, goals, and notes between sessions.

What to Talk About

  • Common suggested topics:
    • Personal growth, skills matrix, soft skills, training, visibility.
    • Feedback on performance and perception (“how do I look from your point of view?”).
    • Cross-team dynamics, blockers, strategy, upcoming priorities.
    • Raises, promotions, and concrete expectations for advancement.
  • Some use 1:1s to propose initiatives (“I want to do X, what do you think?”) or to build a “brag document.”

Trust, Boundaries, and Small Talk

  • Sharp divide over questions like “How are you?” or sharing weekend/personal life:
    • Some see this as normal rapport-building and helpful context.
    • Others find it intrusive, especially with power dynamics and in group settings.
    • Consensus that boundaries vary by culture and individual; good managers should respect “not much” answers.
  • Several note that effective 1:1s depend heavily on the manager’s skill, sincerity, and willingness to actually act on issues.

Love–Hate Split on 1:1s

  • Some workers find 1:1s the most valuable meeting of their week, especially in remote setups.
  • Others consider them useless, performative, or primarily a control/HR mechanism, often due to past bad experiences or unhelpful managers.