Intentionally Making Close Friends (2021)

Starting conversations and small talk

• Several comments focus on how to start conversations: simple openers like “what are your hobbies?” or “I like your shoes” versus immediately diving into media (books, games, shows).
• There’s disagreement: some find generic compliments or hobby questions “boring” and prefer specific shared interests; others argue curiosity about whatever the other person cares about is more important than clever topics.
• One person notes “I like your shoes” is a known tactic in MLM/pyramid recruitment, showing that good icebreakers can be exploited.

Engineered intimacy: 36 questions and MDMA

• Some strongly endorse using the “36 questions that lead to love” plus MDMA to rapidly build deep, intimate bonds, even in small groups.
• Critics see this as artificial, shallow, or “buzz buddies” that won’t last; supporters respond that MDMA breaks down defensive walls rather than creating fake closeness, and that some such friendships have become genuinely deep.
• There’s side discussion on MDMA’s pharmacology, safety, adulteration, and buying/testing via dark markets, with varying risk tolerances and trust levels.

Intentionality vs manipulation; structured vs organic

• One thread questions whether “intentionally making” close friends is manipulative; others point out that being explicit (“this is an experiment to make closer friends”) is the opposite of covert manipulation.
• Some argue the best friendships arise organically through shared hardships, common pursuits, and time—rather than structured vulnerability exercises or question lists.

Culture, personality, and social environment

• Multiple commenters observe that US culture feels socially cold or transactional compared to “warmer” countries, with more superficial friendships and a stigma on “oversharing.”
• Introvert/extrovert dynamics: introverts often rely on extroverts as social connectors but can feel insecure about the asymmetry (one of five vs one of fifty friends); extroverts, in turn, can feel burdened by expectations and worry their many relationships are shallow.
• Suggestions include joining interest-based communities (board games, climbing, open source, meetups, rationalist/EA-ish groups) as “watering holes” where compatible people cluster.

Vulnerability, trust, and being hurt

• Several people share painful experiences: lost or ghosted close friends, betrayal, and resulting reluctance to ever fully open up again—especially exacerbated by remote work and adult life.
• Others advocate radical but selective openness: being vulnerable with many people as a filter, accepting that some will respond badly, but many will respond well.
• Trust is framed by some as built through repeated, repaired conflicts; others emphasize “mutual sacrifice” and reliability over time, warning that extreme trust tests (“mile of broken glass”) can become impossible barriers.

How close bonds form

• Stories highlight that blunt honesty (“I miss how we used to talk”) can revive or deepen friendships.
• Shared struggle—whether in the military, challenging projects, or cause-driven work—is seen as a powerful driver of lasting closeness.
• There is a minority view that most “friends” are just casual companions; meaningful friendship is defined narrowly as those who show up in real need.

Practical and cynical takes

• Some note you often must be the organizer/initiator; most people won’t reciprocate effort at the same level, but that doesn’t mean they don’t value the relationship.
• Others stress asking what you genuinely offer—emotionally or otherwise—and imply that if no one wants to spend time with you, your own life may not be very engaging.
• A few express that they’re content with acquaintances and uninterested in taking on others’ emotional burdens, accepting a lonelier but more controlled social life.