A manager is not your best friend

Role of Manager: Not Friend, Not Enemy

• Many agree managers shouldn’t be “best friends” or “bros,” but also not faceless corporate enforcers.
• Good managers are described as diplomatic, accessible, fair, and willing to “manage up/sideways” for their team without trash‑talking others.
• Several argue the article overcorrects: you can be close, even friends, with reports or managers while still enforcing boundaries and sometimes firing people.

Commiseration, Complaining, and Negativity

• Strong focus on “commiseration”: many interpret it as “complaining together” or “co‑misery,” i.e., validating negative feelings about a shared bad situation.
• Multiple commenters report that venting with reports about other teams or leadership reliably poisons cross‑team collaboration and creates “us vs them” dynamics.
• Others defend limited, guided commiseration: acknowledge feelings, then redirect toward what can be controlled or improved, often best in 1:1s.
• Several note that many people can’t easily switch back from venting to constructive action; complaining becomes an identity and a productivity sink.

Empathy, Truth, and Psychological Safety

• The article’s line that “empathy must be highly conditional” is heavily debated.
• One camp: a manager’s main duty is performance and truth; too much focus on making people feel good leads to avoidance of hard conversations and manipulation.
• Opposing camp: happy, psychologically safe teams deliver better work; framing empathy as conditional or secondary is seen as dehumanizing.
• Some distinguish empathy (understanding/recognizing feelings) from sympathy or agreement; empathy should be constant, responses conditional.

Work Relationships, Friendship, and Competition

• Many recount drawing a line between “coworkers I like” and real friends, often only becoming friends after one leaves the company.
• Others describe deep, lasting friendships with teammates and even managers, sometimes vacationing together and staying close for years.
• A cynical strain argues that in stack‑ranking, layoff‑prone environments, everyone is effectively a competitor; colleagues and managers will protect themselves first.
• Others push back, saying this attitude is toxic in itself and that some organizations deliberately build high‑trust, non‑cutthroat cultures.

Language, Culture, and Context Limits

• Several non‑native and native speakers question the article’s use of “commiserate,” feeling it’s misused or at least confusing without added context.
• Some criticize the piece as culturally narrow and absolutist, ignoring variations in hierarchy, national work culture, and individual personalities.
• Others still see it as a useful reminder for new managers to avoid over‑sharing, over‑validation, and seeking to be liked by reports.