I asked four former friends why we stopped speaking (2023)
Reception of the article and its prose
- Several commenters felt the dialogue and descriptions were “too written,” saying real people don’t talk in such florid, main-character terms and suspecting some responses were embellished or even invented for narrative effect.
- Others pushed back, noting that some people do naturally write/speak like this (especially highly literate, humanities-type friends, or in Facebook messages), and that effusive description can also be culturally shaped modesty about oneself.
- There’s recognition that this is Vogue-style personal essay writing, with some eye-rolling about self-display, but multiple commenters still found it engaging, vulnerable, and better than expected.
Why friendships fade
- Common causes inferred from the piece and personal anecdotes: life transitions, geographic moves (including moving countries), diverging values, lack of mutual effort, miscommunication, and “just” emotional drift.
- Several people stress how much major transitions sever ties: college, moves for work, marriage, kids, divorce, layoffs, retirement. These are framed as “socially traumatic” for one’s network even if not personally dramatic.
- Some argue early-life friendships are largely proximity-based and thus fragile; later-life friendships built around shared passions or intense experiences (startups, grad school, military, hobbies) can be more durable.
Marriage, kids, and changing values
- Debate over whether delaying marriage reduces value-divergence or simply shifts when people change; others note “who you are” is continuously reconstructed, often through marriage and family.
- Divorce statistics are discussed as evidence that many partnerships fail not just from changing values but from poor communication and emotional immaturity.
- Multiple commenters highlight how kids and differing life speeds in one’s 20s–30s naturally split social circles.
Maintaining, losing, and rekindling friendships
- Practical strategies: light but regular contact (texts, links, questions), remembering details like interviews and birthdays, using whatever channel the friend prefers, group chats, shared trips or even mundane activities to create new memories.
- Some accept being the primary initiator if the relationship is rewarding; others set boundaries and drop people who never reciprocate.
- Several anecdotes show “dead” friendships reviving after years or a decade, often very naturally, while others describe relief at consciously ending stale or unhealthy ties.
- A recurring theme: it’s normal for friendships to ebb with responsibilities, and time gaps don’t negate “real” friendship if the underlying trust and care remain.