Social anxiety isn't about being liked
How Friends’ Teasing Relates to Anxiety and Acceptance
- Many describe “countersignaling” in close friendships: pointed teasing about flaws can feel comforting because it implicitly says, “we see your worst traits and still want you around.”
- Others find this dynamic alien or painful, experiencing it as status competition or bullying disguised as jokes.
- Several note key variables: intent, trust, context, and consent. If someone doesn’t stop when asked, it’s bullying, not bonding.
- Cultural and gender norms matter: some see sarcastic ribbing as more common among men or in certain regions; others report it’s widespread and family‑specific rather than gendered.
- A recurring theme: people misjudge when they’ve “earned” that level of intimacy, leading to failed attempts at banter and real harm.
What Social Anxiety Feels Like (and Doesn’t)
- Some readers say the article resonates: social anxiety often feels like optimizing to avoid being disliked, not chasing approval. The “don’t be needy, just be authentic” framing is seen as useful, especially for dating.
- Others strongly disagree, arguing the piece conflates normal social nerves with clinical social anxiety. For them, it’s not about strategy at all but a “misfiring” threat system that can’t be reasoned away.
- Several describe a physical barrier to initiating contact, replaying interactions for days, or freezing in high‑stakes situations, even when they believe they’re likable.
- A subset doesn’t fear being disliked so much as being noticed at all: every new relationship is experienced as a cognitive burden.
Causes, Mechanisms, and First Impressions
- One thread cites research that people form immediate, often unfavorable first impressions of certain groups, arguing this limits how much control anyone has over being liked.
- Others emphasize internal processes: hyper‑monitoring micro‑reactions, catastrophic interpretation of neutral signals, and cognitive overload from trying to predict and manage every response in real time.
- Some link social anxiety to past bullying, rejection (including in autism), or a hypersensitive “social rejection” system evolved to avoid exclusion from the group.
Coping Strategies and Disagreements on Treatment
- Suggested tools: CBT and exposure, reframing thoughts, deliberate practice with low‑stakes interactions, “personal CRM” notes for names, and books like The Courage to Be Disliked and The Charisma Myth.
- Others report relief from physiological changes (e.g., diet like keto) or substances (alcohol, MDMA, phenibut), though risks and long‑term downsides are noted.
- Some commenters find the “risk‑aversion / system working as designed” analogy empowering; others call the article simplistic or insulting to those with severe, disabling anxiety.