After my dad died, we found the love letters
Reaction to the writing
- Many readers found the essay exceptionally moving and well-crafted, with several saying it made them cry or that they were glad they read it before seeing any comments.
- Some compared it to literary works and praised how it conveys complex, conflicting emotions while still feeling level‑headed and compassionate.
Lowercase style and readability
- A large subthread debates the all‑lowercase style: some find it intimate, poetic, or fitting the raw, stream‑of‑consciousness subject.
- Others say it ruins readability, feels self‑important or dismissive of the reader, and makes long-form prose unnecessarily hard to parse.
- There’s discussion of why capitalization exists (visual cues, “text UX”), generational IM/phone habits, and the idea that breaking conventions shrinks accessibility even if it’s artistically valid.
Was the father a victim, a villain, or both?
- Some readers emphasize his context: traditional Chinese expectations, intense homophobia, AIDS‑era fear, and familial pressure into a loveless marriage. From this view, he is tragic more than evil.
- Others, especially after the follow‑up posts, see him as deeply selfish: serial affairs, emotionally distant parenting, blocking his wife’s attempts to divorce, and manipulating her family to keep her trapped.
- Several distinguish judging actions (lying, cheating, denying his wife a life) from judging the person, but many still conclude his behavior was seriously harmful.
Waste of a life, regret, and societal pressure
- The line about him “wasting his life” triggers discussion on what “waste” means: failing to live authentically, stealing a partner’s chance at happiness, or simply judging by arbitrary ideals.
- Others push back that no one can know whether different choices would have made him happier, and that every life path contains missed possibilities and regret.
Collateral damage of homophobia and rigid norms
- Multiple commenters connect the story to broader harm from homophobia and rigid marriage norms: not just to queer people but also to straight spouses and children pulled into sham or pressured unions.
- Some share painful parallel experiences (closeted parents, abusive marriages, legal and social penalties for divorce in various countries).
Privacy, secrets, and what survivors should know
- Several note how reading private letters feels like a violation, and debate whether children “deserve” to know everything about their parents’ inner lives.
- One commenter warns that posthumous discoveries can cause severe, lasting distress; others argue that truth, however messy, is ultimately better than a polished lie.
Personal reflections and advice
- People in similar situations (closeted or living in constructed lives) describe the story as a push toward honesty, while others urge them to consider the impact on spouses and children and to seek therapy.
- There’s repeated emphasis on integrity: you can’t control your orientation, but you can control whether you build your life on deception or on difficult truths.
Meta: is this “HN material”?
- A few question its relevance to a tech forum; many respond that HN is about intellectual curiosity and that stories about honesty, identity, and consequences are highly relevant to this community.