Ask HN: How to be alone?

Hacker News Discussion ↗

Context: sudden solitude after long-term relationship

  • OP: late-30s, remote worker, recently lost a partner of ~20 years, now living alone in the suburbs with a dog, feeling “hollow” and panicky after long stretches without human contact.
  • Feels unable to act on standard advice (hobbies, dating, dog park, etc.), despite psychiatric care and multiple psych meds.

Mental health, medication, and grief

  • Many see clear signs of depression and grief; emphasize this can persist despite medication and may be “situational.”
  • Some warn cocktails of antidepressants/anti-anxiety/mood stabilizers can blunt all emotions or create hollowness; several suggest review or second opinion.
  • Others stress basics before or alongside meds: sleep, diet, exercise, sunlight, bloodwork (e.g., vitamins, A1C), and therapy.
  • Several note grief comes in waves; acceptance and “working through it” takes months to years and is normal.

Building social contact and structure

  • Strong consensus: you cannot stay home and think your way out; you must physically go where people are.
  • Suggestions:
    • Gyms, group fitness, CrossFit, martial arts, yoga, running clubs, rock climbing, dance (salsa, tango), improv.
    • Libraries, cafés, coworking spaces, tech meetups, book clubs, board-game nights, language/night classes.
    • Volunteering (food banks, shelters, churches, civic clubs, retirement homes, campaigns).
    • Routine “third places” at consistent times to build familiarity.
    • Consider moving to a more walkable/city environment or renting a room / getting a lodger.

Learning to be alone vs. refusing it

  • Split views:
    • Some advocate treating “being alone” as a skill: small intentional solo activities, thin weekend structure, cultivating inner life (reading, journaling, meditation, philosophy, nature).
    • Others argue against becoming too good at solitude, fearing it can lead to permanent isolation and missed relationships.
  • Several recommend personal projects and purpose (creative work, self-improvement, passion projects) over passive distractions or games alone.

Micro-connections and coping tools

  • Use low-stakes interactions: brief chats with strangers, dog-walk small talk, “lingering” after classes.
  • Journaling, gratitude, audiobooks/podcasts/streams, and talking to pets can partially meet the need to “tell someone about my day.”
  • Many emphasize self-compassion, patience, and seeing this period as temporary but potentially growthful.