Ask HN: How to be alone?

Hacker News Discussion ↗

Loneliness after the end of a long-term relationship, especially when combined with remote work, can feel like “solitary confinement with internet” and trigger depression even when someone is already on psychiatric medication. Commenters emphasize two parallel paths: learning to tolerate and even value solitude through small daily rituals, structure, exercise, and personal projects, and deliberately rebuilding in‑person connection via hobbies, volunteering, coworking, classes, or moving to more social environments. Many also stress that grief and situational depression are normal, medication has limits and side effects, and that seeking purpose and serving others often helps more than trying to “hack” loneliness away.

Context: sudden solitude after long-term relationship

  • OP: late-30s, remote worker, recently lost a partner of ~20 years, now living alone in the suburbs with a dog, feeling “hollow” and panicky after long stretches without human contact.
  • Feels unable to act on standard advice (hobbies, dating, dog park, etc.), despite psychiatric care and multiple psych meds.

Mental health, medication, and grief

  • Many see clear signs of depression and grief; emphasize this can persist despite medication and may be “situational.”
  • Some warn cocktails of antidepressants/anti-anxiety/mood stabilizers can blunt all emotions or create hollowness; several suggest review or second opinion.
  • Others stress basics before or alongside meds: sleep, diet, exercise, sunlight, bloodwork (e.g., vitamins, A1C), and therapy.
  • Several note grief comes in waves; acceptance and “working through it” takes months to years and is normal.

Building social contact and structure

  • Strong consensus: you cannot stay home and think your way out; you must physically go where people are.
  • Suggestions:
    • Gyms, group fitness, CrossFit, martial arts, yoga, running clubs, rock climbing, dance (salsa, tango), improv.
    • Libraries, cafés, coworking spaces, tech meetups, book clubs, board-game nights, language/night classes.
    • Volunteering (food banks, shelters, churches, civic clubs, retirement homes, campaigns).
    • Routine “third places” at consistent times to build familiarity.
    • Consider moving to a more walkable/city environment or renting a room / getting a lodger.

Learning to be alone vs. refusing it

  • Split views:
    • Some advocate treating “being alone” as a skill: small intentional solo activities, thin weekend structure, cultivating inner life (reading, journaling, meditation, philosophy, nature).
    • Others argue against becoming too good at solitude, fearing it can lead to permanent isolation and missed relationships.
  • Several recommend personal projects and purpose (creative work, self-improvement, passion projects) over passive distractions or games alone.

Micro-connections and coping tools

  • Use low-stakes interactions: brief chats with strangers, dog-walk small talk, “lingering” after classes.
  • Journaling, gratitude, audiobooks/podcasts/streams, and talking to pets can partially meet the need to “tell someone about my day.”
  • Many emphasize self-compassion, patience, and seeing this period as temporary but potentially growthful.