Having Kids (2019)

Inexpressible Nature of Parenthood

• Many describe having kids as a “can’t understand until you do it” experience; others push back that this can sound arrogant or prescriptive.
• Some liken it to reading a book in the original language vs translation: deeper, but not for everyone.
• Several note intense, almost chemical shifts in perception and priorities after birth.

Wide Range of Experiences: Joy, Regret, Ambivalence

• Some parents call it the best, most meaningful thing they’ve done; others say it’s “all joy, no fun.”
• A substantial subset report long‑term dissatisfaction, loss of freedom and productivity, and even explicit regret—while still investing heavily in their kids and acting lovingly.
• Experiences vary dramatically by child temperament (e.g., severe autism, ADHD, colic) and number of children.

Time, Money, and Class Constraints

• Recurrent theme: kids cost enormous time; money partially mitigates this via nannies, cleaners, flexible work.
• Many argue PG’s perspective is colored by wealth; non‑wealthy parents describe dropping hobbies, sleep, and ambition just to cope.
• High cost of housing, childcare, healthcare, and education is cited as a key driver of falling birth rates, though poorer families often have more kids.

Mental Health, Trauma, and “Breaking the Cycle”

• Several with high adverse childhood experiences warn that parenting can surface unresolved trauma; “breaking the cycle” is hard and often imperfect.
• COVID and societal stress amplified children’s and parents’ mental health struggles.

Judgment, Social Pressure, and Taboo Around Regret

• Many admit they judged parents before having kids; firsthand experience reduced that.
• Strong social taboo against expressing regret or even temporary resentment; some fear being seen as bad parents.
• Some feel pressured not to complain, especially after infertility treatment or adoption.

Childfree and Anti‑Natalist Views

• Some are openly glad to be childfree, framing kids as a huge burden or even a selfish choice in a troubled world.
• Others stress the importance of respecting voluntary childlessness and criticize “everyone must have kids” rhetoric.

Career, Ambition, and Age Timing

• Disagreement over whether “real” ambition should survive parenthood; some say kids soften ambition, others say it simply redirects it.
• Older parents with financial stability report “easy mode”; others would have started earlier to avoid being elderly with dependent adult children.
• Women founders in particular fear being perceived as less serious if they have kids.

Gender and Role Differences

• Several note that mothers shoulder unique physical and mental burdens (pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding).
• Some men report emotional bonding arriving later than for mothers; long parental leave improves father–child attachment.

Decision-Making Under Uncertainty

• Many highlight that having kids is a one‑way, irreversible decision under deep uncertainty.
• Advice trends: don’t do it from social pressure; only do it if you’d still want kids even in “worst case” scenarios (difficult child, illness, low support).