Having Kids (2019)
Having children emerges here as a profound but highly uneven life choice: some parents describe it as their greatest source of meaning and growth, while others frankly admit regret, exhaustion, and loss of freedom, even as they work hard to be good caregivers. Commenters highlight how much the experience depends on factors like money, support networks, child temperament, mental health, and past trauma, and push back against the idea that joy in parenthood is universal or easily communicated to non-parents. Many argue that people should be told more honestly about the trade-offs and uncertainty involved, and that choosing to remain childfree can be as valid and considered a path as becoming a parent.
Inexpressible Nature of Parenthood
- Many describe having kids as a “can’t understand until you do it” experience; others push back that this can sound arrogant or prescriptive.
- Some liken it to reading a book in the original language vs translation: deeper, but not for everyone.
- Several note intense, almost chemical shifts in perception and priorities after birth.
Wide Range of Experiences: Joy, Regret, Ambivalence
- Some parents call it the best, most meaningful thing they’ve done; others say it’s “all joy, no fun.”
- A substantial subset report long‑term dissatisfaction, loss of freedom and productivity, and even explicit regret—while still investing heavily in their kids and acting lovingly.
- Experiences vary dramatically by child temperament (e.g., severe autism, ADHD, colic) and number of children.
Time, Money, and Class Constraints
- Recurrent theme: kids cost enormous time; money partially mitigates this via nannies, cleaners, flexible work.
- Many argue PG’s perspective is colored by wealth; non‑wealthy parents describe dropping hobbies, sleep, and ambition just to cope.
- High cost of housing, childcare, healthcare, and education is cited as a key driver of falling birth rates, though poorer families often have more kids.
Mental Health, Trauma, and “Breaking the Cycle”
- Several with high adverse childhood experiences warn that parenting can surface unresolved trauma; “breaking the cycle” is hard and often imperfect.
- COVID and societal stress amplified children’s and parents’ mental health struggles.
Judgment, Social Pressure, and Taboo Around Regret
- Many admit they judged parents before having kids; firsthand experience reduced that.
- Strong social taboo against expressing regret or even temporary resentment; some fear being seen as bad parents.
- Some feel pressured not to complain, especially after infertility treatment or adoption.
Childfree and Anti‑Natalist Views
- Some are openly glad to be childfree, framing kids as a huge burden or even a selfish choice in a troubled world.
- Others stress the importance of respecting voluntary childlessness and criticize “everyone must have kids” rhetoric.
Career, Ambition, and Age Timing
- Disagreement over whether “real” ambition should survive parenthood; some say kids soften ambition, others say it simply redirects it.
- Older parents with financial stability report “easy mode”; others would have started earlier to avoid being elderly with dependent adult children.
- Women founders in particular fear being perceived as less serious if they have kids.
Gender and Role Differences
- Several note that mothers shoulder unique physical and mental burdens (pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding).
- Some men report emotional bonding arriving later than for mothers; long parental leave improves father–child attachment.
Decision-Making Under Uncertainty
- Many highlight that having kids is a one‑way, irreversible decision under deep uncertainty.
- Advice trends: don’t do it from social pressure; only do it if you’d still want kids even in “worst case” scenarios (difficult child, illness, low support).