Do not try to be the smartest in the room; try to be the kindest
Kindness vs. Intelligence
- Many agree you don’t need to choose between being smart and being kind; the issue is ego-driven displays of smartness.
- Several argue that genuinely listening, being solution-oriented, and showing empathy are themselves forms of intelligence (emotional or social).
- Others worry a kindness-first framing can devalue technical competence in environments already skewed toward “HR values” over engineering rigor.
Defining “Kind,” “Nice,” and “Too Kind”
- Repeated theme: kindness ≠ niceness.
- Kindness includes honesty, boundaries, and sometimes hard feedback.
- Niceness is seen as conflict-avoidant, enabling poor performance and gossip.
- Examples raised: “tough love” vs. “ruinous empathy,” “clear is kind,” and firing someone respectfully vs. letting them fail slowly.
- Some note that “kindness” is being used vaguely and conflated with generic collaboration skills.
Kindness, Honesty, and Performance
- Strong view that you can be kind while:
- Calling out bad work, giving blunt feedback, or firing someone.
- Protecting the team and customers from chronic underperformance.
- Others stress that “not being unkind” is different from actively being kind, and that kindness must not turn into enabling or ambiguity.
Motives: Utilitarian vs. Principled Kindness
- Some endorse kindness because it improves trust, productivity, and career prospects.
- Others press a moral question: Is kindness only a tool, or good in itself?
- Thread touches on altruism vs. self-interest and deontological ethics.
- A few are openly cynical: advice like this can be used to make employees more exploitable or to “change the rules” for the less smart.
Culture, Power, and Failure Modes
- Reports from “kind” cultures: feedback is suppressed, problems fester, and conflicts surface via blowups and back-channel gossip.
- Other experiences: unkind, aggressive cultures drive attrition, fear, and technical dysfunction.
- Several emphasize balance: be competent, clear, and fair; don’t be a jerk, but don’t be a doormat.