Ask HN: Former gifted children with hard lives, how did you turn out?

Hacker News Discussion ↗

Former “gifted” kids with adverse childhood experiences share how their lives unfolded, using ACE scores to frame histories of abuse, neglect, poverty and instability. Many report outward success in tech, academia or business and, in some cases, loving families, but describe persistent anxiety, depression, ADHD/autism traits, dissociation and a sense of “wasted potential” or never feeling safe. Across stories, common themes include the limits of the ACE test, the mixed value of diagnostic labels, the importance of therapy, exercise and supportive relationships, and awareness that responses are biased toward those who managed to survive and stabilize.

Context: ACE Scores, “Giftedness,” and Life Outcomes

  • Many respondents report high ACE scores (5–10), significant childhood abuse/neglect, and being labeled “gifted” (high IQ, special programs, early reading, olympiads).
  • Outcomes are highly varied: from homelessness, addiction, incarceration, and severe disability to PhDs, professors, principal engineers, founders, CIO/VP roles, and early retirement.
  • Several note feeling “objectively successful” (good income, assets, family) yet internally dissatisfied, anxious, or alienated.

Mental Health, Diagnosis, and Coping

  • Common adult diagnoses or traits: depression, anxiety, PTSD/C-PTSD, bipolar, ADHD, autism/“AuDHD,” OCD, addictions, chronic health issues.
  • Some see ADHD/Autism as over-labeled or “cult-like”; others emphasize extensive research and comorbidity, sharing genetic-study links.
  • Coping tools frequently cited: long-term therapy (CBT, EMDR, somatic, IoPT/constellations, hypnotherapy, nonviolent communication), medication, exercise, meditation, creative work, and strong routines.
  • Several describe suicidal ideation or attempts; others urge hotlines, therapy, and note they don’t regret starting treatment (though a few report bad therapy experiences or no benefit).

ACE Test and Methodological Concerns

  • ACE quiz is seen as a quick, useful heuristic, but:
    • Overly focused on parental physical/sexual abuse and substances.
    • Underweights emotional neglect, peer bullying, racism, poverty, disability, and a violent wider environment.
    • Treats very different harms as equal points.
  • Some quote research (via CDC and other sources) that higher ACEs correlate with worse mental and physical outcomes, but stress it’s poor for predicting individual trajectories.
  • Survivorship bias is repeatedly raised: HN respondents are a privileged subset; many with severe trauma are not here to answer.

Relationships, Parenting, and Meaning

  • Material success often contrasted with loneliness, difficulty with intimacy, or lack of close friends.
  • Others emphasize partners, children, pets, and community as primary sources of safety and fulfillment, more important than wealth.
  • Several high‑ACE parents discuss intense fear of “passing down” trauma and share concrete parenting rules (honesty, no abandonment threats, validating emotions).
  • Trauma is seen by some as conferring empathy, clarity about values, or drive; others stress that, on balance, it generally weakens rather than “toughens” people.

Views on “Giftedness” and Expectations

  • Some call “gifted” labeling harmful or meaningless, fostering grandiose expectations and later feelings of “wasted potential.”
  • Others say gifted programs or competitions were their escape route from destructive environments.
  • A recurring theme: outside appearance of high competence vs. an internal sense of fraudulence, exhaustion, or never having “made it.”