Ask HN: Every day feels like prison

Hacker News Discussion ↗

A mid‑30s software worker says their comfortable, “middle class” life feels like a prison despite a steady job, relationship, travel and side business, prompting others to question whether they’re actually dealing with depression, burnout or ADHD. Responses range from urging medical and therapeutic help to emphasizing purpose through family, community, faith or challenging work, with a fierce split over whether having children is a meaningful antidote or a reckless prescription for someone in crisis. Many stress that external changes like travel or a new job rarely resolve deeper malaise unless underlying expectations, mental health, and sources of meaning are addressed.

Possible Mental Health Explanations

  • Many respondents say the OP’s description (“every day feels like prison,” exhaustion, anhedonia) strongly matches depression, even if they don’t feel “sad.”
  • Others suggest burnout, mid‑life crisis, ADHD, hormonal changes (e.g., low testosterone), or some mix.
  • Several urge seeing a doctor / therapist for evaluation rather than self‑diagnosing; a few explicitly note anhedonia as a classic depression symptom.
  • Some push back on over‑pathologizing, framing this as a common life stage or existential malaise.

Purpose, Meaning, and Expectations

  • Recurrent theme: lack of purpose, not lack of comfort. OP is “ticking middle‑class boxes” but feels empty.
  • Commenters argue that fulfillment comes from purpose and responsibility, not chasing abstract “happiness” or hedonism.
  • Suggestions include reframing the job as a means to meaningful goals, re‑examining “shoulds” (career prestige, consumer lifestyle), and lowering unrealistic expectations of a magical escape.

Family / Marriage / Children Debate

  • One large subthread claims starting a family often provides deep purpose and makes drudgery more tolerable.
  • Strong counter‑arguments:
    • Reckless to suggest children as a cure for depression/burnout.
    • Kids require emotional capacity and can suffer if parents are unready or using them for “meaning.”
    • Some share negative experiences as “purpose children” or products of “child will save us” thinking.
  • Consensus in that subthread: having children can be transformative for some, disastrous for others; not a universal remedy.

Career, Business, and Autonomy

  • Several say OP may be overextended (9–5 + side business) and should consider picking one.
  • Others stress that running a business often means more people interaction, not less.
  • OP clarifies: goal is a small, autonomy‑oriented “lifestyle business” to escape 9–5 structure, meetings, and corporate rituals.

Therapy, Medication, and Skepticism

  • Many recommend therapy and/or medication for possible depression.
  • OP reports multiple unhelpful therapists and distrust of psychiatric medication, viewing depression primarily as “chemical imbalance” but refusing drugs.
  • Some note therapy can also teach tools (gratitude, reframing, coping), not just diagnose.

Other Proposed Paths

  • Ideas: spirituality/faith, volunteering, deeper relationships, outdoor time and nature, travel, radical challenges (e.g., long hikes), new communities, and hobbies or learning.
  • A few emphasize that only the OP can ultimately define meaningful goals; advice is inherently limited.