Why making friends as an adult is harder

Original Article ↗ Hacker News Discussion ↗

Is Making Friends Really Harder Now?

  • Some argue it’s not fundamentally harder; adults just don’t “show up” enough and default to work + passive recovery (TV, doomscrolling).
  • Others say this is oversimplified and ignores burnout, anxiety, neurodivergence, disability, and cultural factors.
  • Several note friendship is different, not necessarily harder: less automatic proximity than school/college, more deliberate effort required.

Showing Up and Shared Activities

  • Strong consensus: repeated, in‑person contact around a shared activity is the core mechanism.
  • Examples: sports leagues (especially low‑pressure ones like kickball), climbing gyms, tango, sailing, board games, D&D, language classes/exchanges, robotics teams, museums, co‑working, volunteering, church, dog parks.
  • Many report success by:
    • Joining existing groups and attending regularly.
    • Taking on roles (organizing, setup/teardown, photography, snacks) to become part of the “social fabric.”
    • Explicitly asking new acquaintances to exchange contact info and inviting them to events.

Barriers: Time, Energy, Life Stage

  • Family, kids, home maintenance, and long work hours leave many feeling “time‑poor.”
  • People in their 30s–40s are seen as especially busy; several say it gets easier again in 50s–60s.
  • Social anxiety, fear of rejection, and perfectionism (“looking for a soul‑copy”) deter people from trying or persisting.
  • Some admit they prefer comfort (Netflix, etc.) despite loneliness.

Remote Work, Commuting, and Social Experiments

  • Split views on WFH:
    • Critics: risk of isolation for those who won’t self‑organize; office provided default social contact.
    • Supporters: reclaim commute time for local life, kids’ activities, volunteering, co‑working; argue office friendships are fragile and work‑dependent.
  • Several use co‑working spaces or neighborhood routines to rebuild daily proximity.

Venues, Values, and Compatibility

  • Sports and hobby groups can yield close, long‑term bonds, but not always; sometimes people remain “activity acquaintances.”
  • Some insist on value/worldview alignment; others find friendships across large political or cultural differences workable if basic respect exists.
  • Religion and churches are seen both as powerful community hubs and as problematic or exclusionary; experiences vary widely.

Mindset and Expectations

  • Frequent advice:
    • Treat friendship as an ongoing practice, not a one‑time fix.
    • Accept that many attempts won’t “stick,” and that’s normal.
    • Focus on being a friend (show up, invite, help) rather than “finding” one.