Why making friends as an adult is harder

Original Article ↗ Hacker News Discussion ↗

Making friends in adulthood is widely seen as harder than in school years, when proximity and shared schedules made socializing almost automatic. Commenters point to long work hours, remote work, parenting, technology-driven isolation, and geographically dispersed lives as key barriers, while pushing back on the idea that it’s simply “laziness.” Many argue that meaningful connections are still very attainable if people consistently show up to shared in‑person activities—such as sports, volunteering, language classes, meetups, churches, or coworking spaces—and treat friendship as something that requires deliberate time, patience, and repeated contact.

Is Making Friends Really Harder Now?

  • Some argue it’s not fundamentally harder; adults just don’t “show up” enough and default to work + passive recovery (TV, doomscrolling).
  • Others say this is oversimplified and ignores burnout, anxiety, neurodivergence, disability, and cultural factors.
  • Several note friendship is different, not necessarily harder: less automatic proximity than school/college, more deliberate effort required.

Showing Up and Shared Activities

  • Strong consensus: repeated, in‑person contact around a shared activity is the core mechanism.
  • Examples: sports leagues (especially low‑pressure ones like kickball), climbing gyms, tango, sailing, board games, D&D, language classes/exchanges, robotics teams, museums, co‑working, volunteering, church, dog parks.
  • Many report success by:
    • Joining existing groups and attending regularly.
    • Taking on roles (organizing, setup/teardown, photography, snacks) to become part of the “social fabric.”
    • Explicitly asking new acquaintances to exchange contact info and inviting them to events.

Barriers: Time, Energy, Life Stage

  • Family, kids, home maintenance, and long work hours leave many feeling “time‑poor.”
  • People in their 30s–40s are seen as especially busy; several say it gets easier again in 50s–60s.
  • Social anxiety, fear of rejection, and perfectionism (“looking for a soul‑copy”) deter people from trying or persisting.
  • Some admit they prefer comfort (Netflix, etc.) despite loneliness.

Remote Work, Commuting, and Social Experiments

  • Split views on WFH:
    • Critics: risk of isolation for those who won’t self‑organize; office provided default social contact.
    • Supporters: reclaim commute time for local life, kids’ activities, volunteering, co‑working; argue office friendships are fragile and work‑dependent.
  • Several use co‑working spaces or neighborhood routines to rebuild daily proximity.

Venues, Values, and Compatibility

  • Sports and hobby groups can yield close, long‑term bonds, but not always; sometimes people remain “activity acquaintances.”
  • Some insist on value/worldview alignment; others find friendships across large political or cultural differences workable if basic respect exists.
  • Religion and churches are seen both as powerful community hubs and as problematic or exclusionary; experiences vary widely.

Mindset and Expectations

  • Frequent advice:
    • Treat friendship as an ongoing practice, not a one‑time fix.
    • Accept that many attempts won’t “stick,” and that’s normal.
    • Focus on being a friend (show up, invite, help) rather than “finding” one.