In the long run, we're all Dad

Original Article ↗ Hacker News Discussion ↗

A widely read essay by psychiatrist-blogger Scott Alexander about becoming a father to twins prompts mixed reactions, blending heartfelt observations on sleep deprivation, bonding, and the overwhelming logistics of early parenthood with rationalist jargon, biblical references, and evolutionary framing. Many readers praise the humor, craft, and honesty, and use it as a springboard to talk about tools like the Snoo, how much bonding really happens at 3 a.m., and what skills or values parents should prioritize teaching their children in a rapidly changing world. Others critique the piece as overwrought, ideologically tinted, or too cavalier about genetics, religion, and pronatalist arguments, raising broader questions about whether having children is a rational choice and how much culture versus biology drives that decision.

Overall reception

  • Many commenters found the piece warm, funny, and relatable, especially other parents of infants and twins.
  • Some readers bounced off early due to tone (Bible joke, NYT/murderer quip, “cognitive engines”), calling it biased, overwrought, or unserious.
  • Several note the title and style signal that it’s partly tongue‑in‑cheek and not meant as a sober argument.

Writing style and tone

  • Praised for strong hooks and sentence‑level craft; cited as a model of “each sentence pulls you to the next.”
  • Others disliked the high-concept metaphors (“surprisal-minimization engines”, “cognitive engines”), viewing them as pretentious or tech‑fetishizing.
  • Some see an undercurrent of “look how rational/smart I am,” while others point out the self‑deprecation and humor as evidence of humility.

Religion, Bible, and interpretation of Onan

  • Debate over whether the Onan passage is mostly about selfishness/lineage versus specifically about severing sex from procreation.
  • One thread emphasizes broader ancient context (levirate marriage, humiliation vs. divine punishment).
  • Some atheists initially rejected the piece at the first Bible quote; others argued that’s anti‑intellectual and missed that it was used humorously and critically.

Parenting, sleep, and the Snoo

  • Many parents resonate with the description of extreme sleep deprivation, especially with twins; some compare it to military or war‑zone exhaustion.
  • Multiple experiences with the Snoo: for some it was life‑changing, for others ineffective or rejected by the baby.
  • Disagreement on “bonding at 3 a.m.”: some say those moments matter biologically/psychologically; others argue that exhausted, resentful care is worse than using tools that let parents sleep.

Rationality, pronatalism, and having kids

  • A long subthread asks whether it’s “rational” to have kids if they radically change your utility function, likening it to voluntary addiction.
  • Counterpoints:
    • Many people always wanted kids; parenthood isn’t necessarily a post‑hoc rewrite.
    • Utility isn’t just self‑preservation/hedonism; people rationally sacrifice for values, future generations, and prosocial goals.
    • Pronatalist narratives may serve society more than individuals, but individuals can still authentically endorse them.

Names and cultural references

  • Side debate over calling “Jennifer” a “newer name”: historically it derives from Guinevere, but modern popularity is recent and discontinuous.
  • Linked to videos about name cycles (e.g., Tiffany).
  • Some object to framing ignorance of such facts as “sad”; others read that as lamenting forgotten history, not snark.

Twins, IVF, and historical child mortality

  • One commenter claims a high fraction of modern twins are via IVF; others say this confuses proportions and note the pregnancy in question was apparently not IVF.
  • Discussion of past child mortality: 50% under‑5 around 1800 and high mid‑20th‑century global rates are described as “amazing” and sobering; cemetery headstones cited anecdotally.
  • Some note the rapid recent improvement in healthcare and hygiene.

What parents should teach

  • Several highlight that domain‑specific skills (e.g., coding) may age quickly, so parents should focus on meta‑skills: critical thinking, feedback use, pattern recognition.
  • Others argue values and character (empathy, self‑regulation, boundaries, adaptability) matter more than techniques.
  • Debate over “show vs. tell”: some say living these traits is enough; others think explicit instruction and shared vocabulary still help.

Childfree (DINK) perspective

  • A DINK commenter cannot understand choosing children over lifelong freedom and compares parenting to an inescapable sentence.
  • Replies note reasons such as meaning, social contribution, old‑age support, or seeing it as a deep project, analogous (but not identical) to founding a startup.

Meta‑discussion about HN and the blog

  • Some say this style of essay is “exactly what readers come for” and suggest people who dislike it simply avoid that domain.
  • Others compare the blogger’s authoritative tone to large‑audience podcasters or AI tools, arguing that confidence can exceed evidential support.
  • There’s brief friction over commenting on articles one hasn’t really read, with reminders that shallow takes degrade discussion quality.